I Am Not

I am not a good artist.
I am not a great housekeeper.
I am not a good correspond-er.
I am not a mother.
I am not a genius.
I am not as pretty as I used to be.
I am not a fantastic writer.
I am not a good dancer.
I am not a scientist.
I am not good at keeping potted plants alive.
I am not a morning person.
I am not a community activist.
I am not in shape.
I am not working in the job I'd like.
I am not important.
I am not a triathlete.
I am not a scriptorian.
I am not perfect.

I am not, in fact, many things that I try to be, or that thought I would be at one time, or that I wish I were.  And that makes me really sad sometimes and really angry other times.  The things I am not remind me of the places where I don't quite fit in and the tasks that I can't quite complete and the things I have not accomplished.  It's very easy to dwell on all of these things that I am not, and very easy to let them hold me back.  But there are some other things that I am not:

I am not a failure.
I am not finished learning.
I am not giving up.

While these things do not make the other things any easier, or any less sad or infuriating, they do give me some hope. They help me to remember that maybe I am not so hopeless after all.

Maybe it has an Undetectable Extension Charm?

Around 2:00 this morning, I started composing a new blog post in my head.  It is on a topic so fantastic, so horrifying, and so perfect, all at the same time!  But it will have to wait for next time.  Maybe tomorrow or something when I go into exile in my own home (read: Bryant is having a bros only video game night.  My thoughts on that later too.)  Anyhow, so I was getting ready to write the above amazing blog post by checking my email, facebook, pinterest, websudoku.com, you know, the important things, when Bryant asked me if I could hunt down my camera picture-uploader-cord-thing so he could use it to charge some of his video game controllers for video game night.  Having not used it in a couple of years (oops), I only knew its approximate location, but I went to hunt it down anyway.  (Why do I encourage this?)

After looking through my drawers of Stuff (with a capital S) in my office closet and coming up with nothing, I moved on to the dresser full of games, where I found an ugly pair of earrings once given to me by a student, and my camera's battery charger, but no picture-uploader-cord thing.  I moved on to the next (un)likely place, my bedside table drawer.  Was my picture-uploader-cord thing there?  No, it was at the bottom of one of my filing cabinet drawers, but this is what WAS there, which, it turns out is more appalling interesting anyway:

LOTS of receipts.  I was too embarrassed to count them all.
3 home-made cards from Bryant (maybe that's why I encourage this <3 )
One vintage Harrison family photo card from Uncle Frank
5 other miscellaneous other photos
5 toy mice, no doubt confiscated in the middle of the night from a psycho, nocturnal cat
1 2 dollar bill
2 necklaces
2 fan pulls
lots of clothing tags (cause where else would I put them after removing them...?)
1 burnt-out flashlight
1 tide pen
1 car cigarette lighter thing
1 old cell phone
1 ear-piece that goes with the old cell phone
2 complements of packaging for tights
2 broken-off pieces from a vintage mirror frame
1 glasses cleaning cloth
1 zipper pull
1 tire valve cap
1 spool of yellow thread
3 hair elastic things (one with yellow flowers)
4 bobby pins
1 pirate eye patch
2 teal pills of unknown effect/origin
1 fox 40 whistle and lanyard
3 pens (one actually even worked!)
1 scripture-marking pencil
1 twig
6 buttons
2 safety pins
1 functioning flashlight
1 stray length of elastic thread

Yikesies.  Pretty impressive for a 10x12x2.5" drawer, right?  Don't judge me.  So after carefully cataloging everything and shoving every last item back into the drawer getting rid of the unnecessary flotsam, I felt that it obviously needed to be shared with the world post haste.  The other post will probably be more complete after tomorrow's adventures anyway.

(Just because I know you're dying to know, it involves a cat, a Disney movie, and 2 full bio-hazard suits.)

Of Hangers and Willpower, Part 2

Disclaimer:  The following is what I'm prettt sure is a text book example of a first-world problem.  Proceed without [too much] judgement...

This week I have faced a daunting, emotionally painful, harrowing, and at times, dangerous task.  The dreaded closet clean-out.  Ugh.  It gives me the willies just thinking about it!  The problem with the dreaded closet clean-out lies in a multitude of areas, but I suppose that the largest (and strangely, easiest to admit) of these is that fact that I like my stuff (or at least, did at some point)!  If I like it, why should I get rid of it?! Makes sense, right?  Some people just don't understand the attachment one develops to one's wardrobe.  (Do I sound shallow yet?)
Dear husband has scoffed at the above theory since the day I met him.  His hints that a closet purge was imminent were getting less and less suggestive and more and more proclamatory.  I finally capitulated when, in the search for a missing hiking boot, I unearthed approximately three pairs of shoes that had somehow fallen off of my mental wardrobe inventory.  Also, my compulsive need to fold things was beginning to beat on my brain.
So, it was with great sadness that I parted with the black column dress I've had since the tender age of 15.  I swear it looked at me with betrayal in it's eyes, reminding me of the many times it was so perfect, as I gave it one last caress and cast it into the pile.  So mournfully did I sever ties with that white, paper-thin blouse, you know, the one that I wore that day when everything went my way?
Anyhow, the hardest part is now behind me.  And despite the anguish of the "purge," I feel better now.  Things are more organized, more accessible, and now there is room for  new stuff!  ;)

Of Hangers and Willpower

Today I went to TJ Maxx.  I love that place.  Possibly, I love it a little too much.  Such bargains!!  I mean, I can go in for a $4.99 pair of pantyhose, and they will only cost me $75!!  (The Calphalon stockpot and the cute clearance skirt are bonuses with the purchase of every pair of green polka-dotted tights, I swear!)

But today was different.  Today there was monstrous effort.  It went like this:

"I am only here for a hanger"
[Walk into store]
"I am only here for a han- Ooh!  That coat is gorgeous!  And it's so sof- I am only here for a hanger."
"I am only here for a hanger."
"Ooh! They added more clearance dresses!  I wonder-no!!"
"I am only here for a stupid hanger.  I am only here for a hanger."
"I am onl- Oh, I bet that shelf would work next to the TV for the movies.  Is it too tal- Ugh!! I am ONLY here for a hanger >:l "
"Hanger.  I am only here for a hanger.  I bet they would be over by where that chair that I want is. I love that chair, yes there it is, in all its glory.  It's not that expens-  HANGER!!!!"
"I AM ONLY HERE FOR A HANGER!  I AM ONLY HERE FOR A *^#$&*% HANGER!!"
"Here they are!  Here is my hanger, it is in my hand.  I am now going to walk responsibly and frugally to the cashier and buy my hanger, after which I will exit the store!"
[turns away from the hangers]
"Oh!  Why, here is the clearance shoe section!  Don't mind if I jus- JUST GO BUY YOUR STUPID HANGER!!!"
"This is getting ridiculous.  Is it so hard to just come in and pick up an insignificant little han-SPARKLY!!  NO, NO SPARKLY STUFF.  HANGER!!"


You get the basic idea.  Then end, my $6.99 hanger only cost me... $6.99!!!  That's right.  I only went in to buy a hanger and the only thing I bought was my stupid hanger.  You may now congratulate me.

TEXAS

I usually keep my ipod on shuffle when I'm driving. I do this because A. I'm to lazy to be bothered with figuring out exactly what I want to listen to and B. because live is just that much more amusing when one hears Chopin, The Deftones, Raffi, and Yeah Yeah Yeahs back to back.

A few weeks ago, this song popped up on the tune box (YOU MUST LISTEN TO THIS SONG AT LEAST ONCE WHILE YOU READ THIS):




Now, Bowling for Soup is not a band that I would say that I really like so much. It's just kind of fun to listen to when I'm feeling nostalgic for my sophomore year of high school. It's kind of a Warped Tour wannabe punk teenager sort of a band.

That said, as the song was pumping through my speakers, tears began pumping from my eyes! Not because I'm that nostalgic for high school, because really? Really. Turns out, this has happened more than once.Why?   HOLY COW I MISS TEXAS SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I've been thinking lots about all of the things that I love about Texas and I thought I'd share an incomplete list with you.
So in not really any particular order:

• The University of Texas. Hook 'em Horns!!!!
• bluebonnets
• REAL barbecue
• Barton Springs
• Big Sky
• Austin City Limits Music Festival
• mexican free-tailed bats  (all three million of them under the Congress St. bridge)
• mexican food (We tried Vermont's version of this once.  It wasn't even laughable.)
• mexicans
• Summer is hot like it should be!
• I love Dove Pool
• The Whole Foods company headquarters (conveniently located a block from Bryant's old apartment.)
• Pools, pools, pools, and more pools
• The Comal River
• Freebirds
• Amy's Ice Cream (Darth Chocolate Ice Cream?  I'd almost eat it just for the name!)
• Snow Cones (apparently they don't exist in New England?  You'd think with all the snow it might occur to someone up here?)
• Not wearing a jacket until November-ish
• Southern accents (Bahston accent?  Naht pretty.)
• Dental hygienists who overdo it on the eye makeup
• Fifty year old women who overdo it on everything
• The I-35 corridor (really?)
• Bluebell
• Two-stepping
• cowboy boots
• The Keller bike path
• Clint Small Jr. Middle School
• H-E-B
• The Zilker kite festival
• Deep fried __________
• Texas culture

I could, of course, go on, but I'm starting to get choked up again.  Don't mess with Texas, folks.  For realsies. \m/

Creeepy!!

Last night as we were getting ready for bed, husband called me from the bathroom and said, "I think there's some kind of animal outside!" I wasn't particularly alarmed, as our house backs up to a forest (the neighbors even saw a bear in our back yard a few months back!) and we frequently see wildlife, but seriously, if the stupid deer eat one more of my lettuces from the garden, I will be shoveling snow in my brand new Bambi-print snow gear this winter!! Anyway. Husband then added that it sounded like some sort of growling or something. Intrigued, I grabbed the big flashlight and went outside to chase off the critter. As I stepped away from the house, I saw a flash of something run off into the woods at the back of the yard. I was about to turn around and go back inside, but the beam of my flashlight caught something: two eyes. They were just inside the tree line and whatever animal they belonged to just sat there staring right at me, creepily reflecting the light from my flashlight. I ran toward it a few steps and yelled to see if it would go away, but it just stayed there, motionless. Then of course my mind flipped to this:



Needless to say, I picked up my stone shard and rushed the creature, barely escaping with my own life. Or maybe I just ran back inside and hid under the covers. In any case, I am happy to report that my garden survived another night.

Things I Don't Feel Like Doing.

I didn't sleep very well last night. Husband said this morning that it's really my own fault due to my (alleged) allergy-induced snoring. Suuuuure. Just because he wakes up because he's "absolutely sure" he must be sleeping next to a bear doesn't mean he has to wake me up too, does it? Last time I checked, you're not supposed to poke sleeping bears in their squishy midsections, right? Something about having your head bitten off?

Anyhow, it's beautiful outside-I can tell from the puffy white clouds that dot the blue sky and the trees swaying gently in the breeze! I saw it all from my window! And my computer says it's a lovely 79 degrees. Just the perfect time to seize the day!...? Do I have to? I mean, yesterday I had the septic tank pumped, folded laundry, made jam, looked for jobs, and did some research for a project. So that means I'm off the hook for today, right? Maybe if I complain about all the things I ought to do, they'll just go away. Let's give it a whirl:

My To-Do List Things I Don't Feel Like Doing:

• Straighten my office. There's a path from the door to the computer. What else is needed?
• Take a shower. But what if I go do something sweaty? I'll just have to do it again later.
• Do something sweaty. This includes, but is not limited to, mowing the lawn, weeding, various indoor and outdoor projects that involve swinging a hammer, making sawdust, climbing a ladder, thinking...
• Make lunch. Sounds like a lot of work.
• Buy lunch. See next bullet point.
  
• Run errands. Please see the second bullet point.
• Read. I'd just feel guilty for not doing something more productive.
• Clean out my closet. This is a necessary painful task only to be taken on when one is feeling courageous and incredibly industrious. Obviously not a task for today.
• Go grocery shopping. Sounds a lot like something that requires a shower. And thinking.
• Go to a movie. Shower? Plus, I mean, how many times can one really get away with seeing Harry Potter before having one's husband roll his eyes at one? (Answer: exactly one.)
• Catch up on So You Think You Can Dance. TV? As if reading wouldn't make me feel guilty enough!
• Make bread. Again, sounds like a lot of work.
  

Ok, I'm spent. I could probably list some more things, but my actual to-do list is in the kitchen. You see my problem, obviously. My kingdom for a poolside lounge chair, a fashion magazine, and no to-do list!

Happy Thursday.